What does it mean to offer my best? Best of all time? Best for now? Best for the situation? It’s an idea I struggle with.
I believe in always doing my best, but sometimes can’t quite articulate what that is. Logically, some days my best in one area demands that I offer less than my best in others. There is only so much time…so much of me…to go around. This is becoming more apparent as I try to keep all the plates of my life spinning at once. And spinning is really the best term, because on days and weeks like I’ve had lately, I’ve come to feel like a dervish, whirling my way…not to religious ecstasy certainly, but to…what? Something more? A higher plane? Just the next step, perhaps. Once upon a time I made a promise to myself. There was a professor I had as an undergrad. I admire and respect him, and was regularly challenged by him, something that didn’t often occur for me at the time. He is artistic. I am not. So, much of what he expected in his classes was a struggle for me, sometimes academically, usually artistically, more often personally. So I made myself a promise. I vowed to take any challenge he gave me, and do my best with it. And that stood me in good stead…as an undergrad. I had a chance this term to audit one of his classes, learn something new, and did so. But in that, have for the first time failed to meet his challenge. Ok, so I’m not getting a grade. It’s never really been about the grade, though. It’s a personal thing. Two different days he asked if I had something to present for the final assignment. Two days I did not. Still don’t. On the second day, he looked surprised and said something about there being a “certain level of expectation.” And in that moment, I heard one of those spinning plates crash to the ground. Returning to the class has become painful, as I walk over the broken shards of that day. What did I bring to this course? Was it my best? Was it just the best I could do for now? Or was it something less? In spite of all I gained from being here, I think answering those questions may be the most important part of having taken it…and may be crucial for me to figure out.
I'm trying to get back in the habit of writing every day. Lately, I've been working on character sketches. Some of those will find their way here, in the form of individual comments to this post.
Comments
I believe in always doing my best, but sometimes can’t quite articulate what that is. Logically, some days my best in one area demands that I offer less than my best in others. There is only so much time…so much of me…to go around. This is becoming more apparent as I try to keep all the plates of my life spinning at once. And spinning is really the best term, because on days and weeks like I’ve had lately, I’ve come to feel like a dervish, whirling my way…not to religious ecstasy certainly, but to…what? Something more? A higher plane? Just the next step, perhaps.
Once upon a time I made a promise to myself. There was a professor I had as an undergrad. I admire and respect him, and was regularly challenged by him, something that didn’t often occur for me at the time. He is artistic. I am not. So, much of what he expected in his classes was a struggle for me, sometimes academically, usually artistically, more often personally. So I made myself a promise. I vowed to take any challenge he gave me, and do my best with it. And that stood me in good stead…as an undergrad.
I had a chance this term to audit one of his classes, learn something new, and did so. But in that, have for the first time failed to meet his challenge. Ok, so I’m not getting a grade. It’s never really been about the grade, though. It’s a personal thing.
Two different days he asked if I had something to present for the final assignment. Two days I did not. Still don’t. On the second day, he looked surprised and said something about there being a “certain level of expectation.” And in that moment, I heard one of those spinning plates crash to the ground. Returning to the class has become painful, as I walk over the broken shards of that day.
What did I bring to this course? Was it my best? Was it just the best I could do for now? Or was it something less? In spite of all I gained from being here, I think answering those questions may be the most important part of having taken it…and may be crucial for me to figure out.